Comparing Yourself to Others

News
No new updates for this week.

Quote
"By your own soul, learn to live
And if men thwart you take no heed.
If men hate you have no care.
Sing your song, dream your dream,
Hope your hope and pray your prayer."
-Pakenham Beatty

My Thoughts
A few weeks ago, I mentioned about asking yourself how bad is your situation when you are feeling down. This is a comparison to someone else who's situation is worse of than you. That method is a great way to start to look at your situation from another perspective.

This week I'd like to talk about two dangers associated with this.

The first is that you use the technique and then start to become vain. Example: How bad is my situation compared to the homeless person I see every day?
Not so bad.
I am better than that homeless person, why is he/she so lazy? etc...

Obviously that is an over simplified example, but it can happen. We need to be cautious of this.

The second one is possibly even more dangerous. This is when we compare the opposite way.
Example: My friends that are the same age as me are all way more successful than me.
I should be more successful.
Why am I not successful?
I feel miserable.

I've noticed a trend over the last two years or so with many coaching clients. Many seem to be doing the second method of comparing quite frequently and the internet seems to have increased this. The main culprit appears to be Facebook.

Facebook is a great way to reconnect with, or stay in contact with, relatives, friends, classmates, etc.. But we must remember that most of what we see on Facebook is the image that that person wants to show off to the world (in many cases).

I know many of you know this already, but it can be difficult to remember when we are feeling down. Generally we are not seeing the real person, it's just what they would like reflected to everyone else.

Then we end up unhappy because we assume that everyone else is happy. The truth is we have no idea what is really going on in their lives. Even the people we are close to, oftentimes we don't really know what's going on in their lives.

I encourage you this week to see how often you make these comparisons. Then start eliminating them. When you find yourself comparing, remind yourself that you don't really know what's going on.

Look at your own life. Ask yourself, "What can I control?", "What can I do", these two questions can lead to some powerful growth when you spend time reflecting on them.

Know your Darkness

News
The message below is from a group that gets together and watches documentaries once a month. It sounded interesting so I wanted to share it with all of you.

What: Let's watch a film!
When: Sunday, May 29th, 2011 6:30 PM


Where: Roofers
Itaewon 132-5
Seoul
02-749-2970

Why: This is a very interesting and informative film about where
our food comes from. It'll leave you in awe, with some

answers and even some questions! A fantastic film to watch with
friends. Website of the film- http://www.foodincmovie.com/

Hey guys, Me and two of my friends have started a documentary
screening club in Seoul. We'll be showing one film every month
at Roofers in Itaewon, following a group discussion. These
films are social/political/cultural in nature. They're really
well made, and have won various awards, from Academy award for
best documentary to best directing/writing in famous film
festivals. Come join us for our second film screening of the year, on
Sunday the 29th of May. For more information you can check out
the following site as well-

https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=206304752724259


Hope to see some of you guys at the screening. :-)

Zenith Bose
010 4996 5939

Quote
"Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people."
-Carl Jung

My Thoughts
Each of us has our own problems to overcome. For some it is addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, etc... For some it is anger, judgement, guilt, etc.. All of us have something or multiple things that we must deal with as we go through life.

All people are born inherently good. It can be difficult for people to accept this. The problem arises when we do not keep our ego in check. If we do not keep our ego in check then darkness can overtake us. We see egos gone seriously out of control in people that cause mass destruction in the world.

Interestingly those that cheered Osama Bin Laden's death are catering to the egos need for revenge, for a feeling of justice. If they continue feeding that side of their personalty, they will slowly start going down a slope that is hard to come back from. If they really keep feeding their ego, then they will be just as bad as the terrorists they wanted to stop.

The good news is that for most people their is a system of check and balances in place so your ego won't take complete control of you.

I would like to share a story with you. One of the things that I had to overcome was anger. The thing was I didn't recognize it as anger, I saw it more as being realistic. I'll tell you what I mean.

As many of you know I grew up in a not so nice area of Philadelphia. I was surrounded by violence. I saw my first murder victim at just 6 years old. Somebody killed the guy up the street and wrapped his body up in toilet tissue and shoved him into the trunk of his car. I was there when the cops opened the trunk. The smell was horrendous.

The thing was I thought all of this was normal. When I left Philadelphia I took my conditioning with me. It was this idea that people are always looking to fight, steal, and possible murder you so you should be on guard for any possible attack because it's better to go down fighting then get shot in the back.

Of course that idea can help you at times when others are naive. But generally speaking it causes more harm than good because you will always be on the lookout for a fight and sure enough you will find one.

In the late 90's when I came to Korea a lot of people stared. It doesn't happen these days (or maybe I don't notice it anymore). I didn't mind so much when it was a person much older than me, but when it was a guy around my own age it made me upset. Why? Well in Philadelphia if someone is staring at you it generally means something bad will happen.

So intellectually I was thinking "Look this is a foreign country, maybe they just want to talk.". However, my conditioning told me "Nope, they don't like something about you and they are a threat.". By the way, your conditioning which is in your subconscious mind will win out in a battle with your conscious or intellectual mind.

Many years ago I was standing in line at an ATM with a fair amount of drunk people. There were two guys around my age standing behind me that were going on about how stupid Americans are. Incidentally, I didn't care about the fact that were making fun of Americans, having lived outside of the US for so long I've lost a strong sense of national pride. However, I thought maybe they should be careful because other Americans may not be so nice. So I turned around a politely mentioned that they may want to be more careful about how loud they are complaining about Americans (and foreigners in general). This whole thing happened in Korean.

After I said that I turned around and waited in line. Then they started saying things like "This stupid American can speak Korean", "I wonder if he understands............".
Basically calling me every not nice thing under the sun. Now of course the easiest thing would have been for me to step out of the line and walk away. But I didn't do that.

So as I get to the front of the line I stared getting money and the guys behind me step forward and grab my hand....with the money I just got in it. Now conditioning told me, they were trying to steal my money. Were they? Probably not.

So I pulled my hand away and put my money away, while they were yelling at me and grabbing me. Suddenly some guy comes up and breaks everything up. I realized this guy is right I should walk away, not to mention fighting two people at once is never a good idea.

I started walking away when one of the guys that was behind me runs up and punches me in the back (he should have punched me in the head). Now, my conditioning was back in control. I'll spare you the details but he was not looking so good when I left. His friend tried hitting me a few times, but I threw him on the ground (not too hard, just enough to make him think twice).

The whole point of this story is that I could have walked away from the very beginning. It was not my job to worry about if they offended someone else and got into a fight.

A similar situation happened when I saw a guy hitting a woman. Now you may say well in that case you did the right thing. Perhaps, but I didn't fully know the story and I didn't need to use the amount of force that I did to stop the situation. There was probably a better way of handling the situation.

Eventually I was able to overcome this anger with a change in perception.

So what is the take away from all of this?

1. Realize that all of us have our own inner demons to overcome. This can help you understand others better.

2. If you are pissed off at someone that bumps into you, or cuts you off driving, or is staring at you, remember, you never know the full story of what is going on. Perhaps they cut you off because they found out that their wife/husband was in an accident and now they are at the hospital. Perhaps the person is staring at you because they want to talk but they don't know how or they are shy/nervous. Ask yourself is there another way of looking at this situation.

There is also a technique of imagining everyone as your mother (or some loved one) and treat them as you would treat her.

3. Meditate. This has really helped me with handling emotions. Start with just five minutes every day. After a few weeks bump it up to 10 minutes every day. After another few weeks raise it to 20 minutes every day.

Have an outstanding week.

Where Do You Stand?

News
No new updates for this week.

Quote
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. "
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Thoughts
It is quite easy to be happy with life when things are going our way. It is easy to stand by our convictions when most people agree with us. But what about the times when nothing seems to be working? What about when most are against you? This is where the challenge lies.

Where do you stand?

1. Do you find yourself generally able to maintain an emotional balance regardless of outside circumstances? If so, then you are off to a great start to achieving your dreams.

or

2. Do you find yourself one day complaining about your boss, coworkers, etc..? Then a few days later you are a happy? Then a few days after that you are back to complaining again?
If so, I will tell you that this will get you nowhere. Riding that emotional roller coaster will not lead you to much progress.

Interestingly enough most people are really not aware that they fall into category two. Why? Because they are not aware of the thoughts that are running through their heads. If you are unsure if you fit into this category, I suggest you :
I. Look back over you facebook status updates, twitter updates, text messages, etc...
II. If you keep a diary, go back through and see how often you fluctuate.
III. Make a conscious effort to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings

Remember, Thoughts cause Feelings cause Actions cause Results.

If you find yourself in category 2, what can you do?
I. Ask yourself, "Do I desire to change?". By the way the answer isn't always yes because some people have become so identified with their fluctuating feelings that it becomes part of their "story".
II. If you desire to change, the next step is to really become aware of your thoughts. You can do this through conscious effort, meditation, keeping a diary, hiring a competent certified coach, etc..
III. Start gaining emotional control. How?
-It starts with your thoughts.
Ex: Suppose you are angry at someone for one reason or another (which generally is caused by a misperception of events).
Do not suppress the feeling. Allow the feeling to go through you but stop adding fuel to the fire. Basically break the thought cycle that automatically starts when you are angry.
Then begin trying to shift your perception: Am I willing to explore other ways to look at this? Is there possibly another way to look at the situation? What can I learn from this situation? etc..

You will then begin the process of gaining emotional control.

By the way, if you are dealing with anger issues, forgiveness issues, etc...I recommend two things:
1. Start to seriously think of every single person as your mother (or another loved one).
2. Every time you think of the person that causes you pain, wish them well. Remember don't suppress the feeling. Ex: I hate xxxx. I wish xxxx would get run over by a truck......but if that doesn't happen I wish them well. Now the trick here is that you must do it every single time you have these thoughts about the person causing you pain.
Two books I recommend on that subject:
-"The Four Noble Truths" by the Dalai Lama
-"Building Your Field of Dreams" by Mary Morrissey

The above steps are not easy. But I can tell you from personal experience that if you keep doing them then they will eventually turn into a habit. Once it becomes a habit it is much easier to do them.

Have an incredible week.

Reflection

News
I've decided to open up Bob Proctor's "Success Puzzle" program for group coaching. Out of all the programs I've done, "Success Puzzle" has had the most profound effect. It completely changed my life.
Here are just a few benefits I received from the program:
-It is because of this program that I gained the deepest insights into myself and what I would like my life to look like.
-It is because of this program that I ventured to Northwestern India on a life changing journey. I'll share the full story during the coaching.
-It is because of this program that I've meditated almost every day for the past year (more about that below).

I am only going to work with five people for this program in order to keep it very personal. Actually one person is already signed up so only four more people can join.
You should only join this coaching if you are seeking serious change and are committed to your own growth.

For more info on the program, please go to www.oneamazinglife.com and click on the "How" section.

Dates: Saturday, March 12th - Saturday, April 30th
Time: 1:00-3:00pm
Number of Sessions: 8

For more information, please email me: bob@oneamazinglife.com

Quote
"Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action.”
-Peter F. Drucker

Thoughts
We sometimes get so caught up in work or taking action that we forget to stop and see if we are taking effective action. Simply working hard without regard to effectiveness won't really get you very far.

It's like the fly constantly smashing itself into the window to get outside. It's goal is to get outside, and it's working very hard. However if it stopped and reflected it would notice that there is an open window nearby and without so much hard work it could easily achieve it's goal.

So the point is it's very important to stop and see what impact your action is having. If you find that the action you are taking is ineffective, then you can look at other options. Is there another way you could be doing it? Is there something you have not tried yet?

Another area that has tremendously helped me is meditation. While I was doing the "Success Puzzle" program a little over a year ago, I decided I was going to meditate every day for 90 days. I accomplished that task. Then I wanted to keep going so I decided I was going to meditate every day. What happened?
In the last 13 months I've missed 12 days. Overall not too bad, but room for improvement. I usually meditate for 15 minutes a day, although sometimes I'll go as long as an hour.
It has helped me become much more aware of what thoughts are running through my head and allowed me even greater control over my emotions.
I practice zazen. However, I think almost all forms of meditation are useful.

I encourage all of you to spend some time reflecting, you may be surprised at what you find.

Have an outstanding week.