News
No new updates for this week.
Quote
"Clear mind is like the full moon in the sky. Sometimes clouds come and cover it, but the moon is always behind them. Clouds go away, then the moon shines brightly. So don't worry about clear mind: it is always there. When thinking comes, behind it is clear mind. When thinking goes, there is only clear mind. Thinking comes and goes, comes and goes, You must not be attached to the coming or the going."
-Seung Sahn
My Thoughts
An event happens and instead of observing the event as something that just is, we assign meaning to it. If the event is something we perceive as beneficial to us then the event is "good". If the event is not beneficial to us, we label the event as "bad". So we assign these meanings to events and then the meanings we assign stir up all sorts of thoughts and emotions.
Over the last few years, I have learned not to attach too much meaning to events. Of course I am far from perfect, I still can get caught up labeling things that people do or say as good or bad. However, I have made a lot of progress.
I was an intelligence analyst for eleven years, so I was very used to asking why and then doing massive amounts of research into a subject. This was helpful to a point and allowed me to learn many things, but as far as relationships and attachments go asking why can be like a trap especially when you add in assumptions.
I'll give an you an example. Let's suppose that you are in a relationship. One person in the relationship does something that the other person doesn't like. The offended person will often ask why, and then assume they know the answer. This will then create a circle that can fuel anger. Finally when you decide to talk to your partner about whatever it was that offended you, you will most likely come across as accusatory. This will then lead to an argument. Perhaps you make up, or maybe you break up, but whatever assumptions you came up with to the why question will continue to cause arguments in your relationship, or follow you into future relationships.
All of this comes from attaching meaning to an event that just is. None of us can remain truly objective in a situation (unless we are able to observe it as just is), we will drag all of our past conditioning, beliefs, etc... into the situation. Then we declare it as good or bad. Some things we tend to believe in so strongly we aren't even able to consider another's point of view. We will label them as ignorant, stupid, misinformed, etc...
I think part of growth is opening your mind to other people's point of view. I am not saying you immediately start accepting everything that comes your way, but at least make an effort to look at it from different angles.
I encourage you to look at some of your most strongly held views, especially those that judge groups of people, and explore them. Where did those views come from? Do these views benefit humanity as a whole? Once you've identified some of these views, I recommend that you explore the view from other angles.
Have an excellent week.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Communicating Your Feelings
News
No new updates for this week.
Quote
“ If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? "
-Stephen Levine
My Thoughts
Sometimes we think we have all the time in the world to tell someone how we feel, and/or we assume that the other person knows how we feel. Those of you that have ever lost a loved one probably wish you could have talked with them one last time.
As many of you know I lost my Mom to cancer when I was 13. She was a role model for me in my early years. My Dad has been a big role model throughout my life. He is the one that taught me the values of persistence, not making excuses,and taking risks. Oddly, I never told him that until last year. After telling him this he became emotional and then told me he never realized the positive impact he had on my life. I had always assumed that he knew. I suppose it goes back to last week's message about not assuming.
I encourage all of us this week to let someone know how much we appreciate them.
Have an outstanding week.
No new updates for this week.
Quote
“ If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? "
-Stephen Levine
My Thoughts
Sometimes we think we have all the time in the world to tell someone how we feel, and/or we assume that the other person knows how we feel. Those of you that have ever lost a loved one probably wish you could have talked with them one last time.
As many of you know I lost my Mom to cancer when I was 13. She was a role model for me in my early years. My Dad has been a big role model throughout my life. He is the one that taught me the values of persistence, not making excuses,and taking risks. Oddly, I never told him that until last year. After telling him this he became emotional and then told me he never realized the positive impact he had on my life. I had always assumed that he knew. I suppose it goes back to last week's message about not assuming.
I encourage all of us this week to let someone know how much we appreciate them.
Have an outstanding week.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Relationships
News
No new updates for this week.
Quote
“ We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
-John Gray
My Thoughts
Assumptions and miscommunication can lead relationships down a dangerous path. One that ultimately leads to failure. This is what I have experienced.
I pondered discussing this, but I am not one to hide things because perhaps my experience can help one of you.
I am recently divorced. I was in a relationship for eight years (married for five years) before we separated last summer and eventually divorced. I have no harsh feelings about my ex and I wish her the best. What lead to our divorce was assumptions and miscommunication. Even though both of us are certified coaches we still failed to communicate properly.
Relationships take work, we can't just assume that our partners will react and behave the same way that we do. Even though my ex and I knew better we eventually allowed our communication to break down and we assumed that somehow it would work itself out. The problem was that the communication broke down for so long that we weren't able to get it back on track.
Oftentimes men assume that woman will communicate directly, while women assume that men will be able to read into what they are saying. This leads to many arguments. It's the equivalent of speaking a language to someone that doesn't understand the language you are speaking.
I have learned that in order for a relationship to work we need to let go of assumptions. We need to be willing to learn to communicate. We need to learn to give up saying how our partners "should" be acting. Finally we need to stop comparing our partners to others (especially exes). Those are a few things that I have learned and I am sure that I will learn many other lessons as life goes on.
I encourage all of you to look at any of your relationships and ask yourself, "Am I doing my best?", "and What could I do to improve my relationships?". After you answer those questions, I recommend that you put what you learned into action.
I highly recommend the books "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray, and "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
Have a wonderful week.
No new updates for this week.
Quote
“ We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways - the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
-John Gray
My Thoughts
Assumptions and miscommunication can lead relationships down a dangerous path. One that ultimately leads to failure. This is what I have experienced.
I pondered discussing this, but I am not one to hide things because perhaps my experience can help one of you.
I am recently divorced. I was in a relationship for eight years (married for five years) before we separated last summer and eventually divorced. I have no harsh feelings about my ex and I wish her the best. What lead to our divorce was assumptions and miscommunication. Even though both of us are certified coaches we still failed to communicate properly.
Relationships take work, we can't just assume that our partners will react and behave the same way that we do. Even though my ex and I knew better we eventually allowed our communication to break down and we assumed that somehow it would work itself out. The problem was that the communication broke down for so long that we weren't able to get it back on track.
Oftentimes men assume that woman will communicate directly, while women assume that men will be able to read into what they are saying. This leads to many arguments. It's the equivalent of speaking a language to someone that doesn't understand the language you are speaking.
I have learned that in order for a relationship to work we need to let go of assumptions. We need to be willing to learn to communicate. We need to learn to give up saying how our partners "should" be acting. Finally we need to stop comparing our partners to others (especially exes). Those are a few things that I have learned and I am sure that I will learn many other lessons as life goes on.
I encourage all of you to look at any of your relationships and ask yourself, "Am I doing my best?", "and What could I do to improve my relationships?". After you answer those questions, I recommend that you put what you learned into action.
I highly recommend the books "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray, and "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
Have a wonderful week.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Listening
News
No new updates for this week.
Quote
“A wise old owl sat on an oak; The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?”
My Thoughts
Listening is a critical skill to develop for any relationship. Becoming better listeners will help us in all areas of our lives. Most people struggle with listening. Instead of listening many people are merely thinking about what they are going to say while the other person is talking. This leads to miscommunication, disagreements, and arguments.
I'll share a story about how this can affect business relationships.
This past weekend I met some friends at a bar called Prost. I won't go into all the details of what happened, however the main problem here was listening. Basically we asked the staff for something, but they didn't appear to listen. So we talked with one manager and she didn't really seem to listen either. We then talked with another manager and he also didn't listen. In the end what we requested wasn't fulfilled which actually wasn't the problem. The problem was in the handling of the request. No one could explain why things were handled as they were.
So what was the outcome?
Well now myself nor anyone close to me will go back to Prost (something similar had happened there before but it wasn't as bad). The situation could have been avoided if one person out of the five we talked with had stopped and listened. Will that hurt their business? Maybe not right away, but if it continues to happen it will certainly cause a loss in customers.
I encourage you to be a better listener this week. When someone is talking try to not have any thoughts, just focus on what they are saying.
Have an amazing week.
No new updates for this week.
Quote
“A wise old owl sat on an oak; The more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he heard; Why aren't we like that wise old bird?”
My Thoughts
Listening is a critical skill to develop for any relationship. Becoming better listeners will help us in all areas of our lives. Most people struggle with listening. Instead of listening many people are merely thinking about what they are going to say while the other person is talking. This leads to miscommunication, disagreements, and arguments.
I'll share a story about how this can affect business relationships.
This past weekend I met some friends at a bar called Prost. I won't go into all the details of what happened, however the main problem here was listening. Basically we asked the staff for something, but they didn't appear to listen. So we talked with one manager and she didn't really seem to listen either. We then talked with another manager and he also didn't listen. In the end what we requested wasn't fulfilled which actually wasn't the problem. The problem was in the handling of the request. No one could explain why things were handled as they were.
So what was the outcome?
Well now myself nor anyone close to me will go back to Prost (something similar had happened there before but it wasn't as bad). The situation could have been avoided if one person out of the five we talked with had stopped and listened. Will that hurt their business? Maybe not right away, but if it continues to happen it will certainly cause a loss in customers.
I encourage you to be a better listener this week. When someone is talking try to not have any thoughts, just focus on what they are saying.
Have an amazing week.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
News
All of our take home coaching programs are still discounted 50% for the month of October.
For more information, contact: bob@oneamazinglife.com
Quote
"Well done is better than well said."
~Benjamin Franklin
My Thoughts
Do you have someone around you that is great at talking, but maybe not so great at doing? I am sure most of us do. And from time to time we all have been guilty of saying we would do something and then not following through. I am not talking about the occasional slip up. I am talking about those for whom much talk and little to no action has become a habit.
There are certain people that are great talkers, so great in fact that they may fool you numerous times. Sometimes you may really want to believe them. In the end the best way to tell someone's character is in what they do, not what they say.
This of course can apply to all areas of our lives, but I'd like to talk about relationships for a moment. I am not just referring to husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend, but friends and family as well.
In coaching the topic of relationships comes up quite often. People so often want to believe that their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend, etc.. is honest, trustworthy, caring, etc.. They want to believe in the person so much that they impair their intuition and reasoning ability. It's true all people are inherently good, but sometimes their actions can hurt you, and may actually be harmful to you.
Here is an example: A very close friend becomes seriously ill (not on their deathbed, but more than a common cold). You say that you will always be there for them, but that night you made plans to go out with some other friends to party. Your seriously ill friend messages you that they would like some support. Now they don't directly ask you to come over, so the question is, would you go visit your sick friend or still go out and party?
Just think about that scenario for a minute. Of course there are numerous other scenarios that end with a similar question; will you really be there when someone needs you, or do you just say that you'll be there?
How can you tell if someone does truly care about you, or value you? Look at their actions. Try and take yourself out of the situation by asking, "If another person (or the wisest person you know) looked at (husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend) actions, what would they say?". Do the actions match up with the words? If not, how many times has this occurred? If the answer is often or always then it is probably a safe bet that that person doesn't value you as much as they say they do.
The reason this is important to figure out is because it can put you on an emotional roller coaster. If you are the one that is always there for the other person and they don't return it (assuming they say they will), then it can be harmful to your growth. It may be time to reevaluate that relationship.
I encourage all of you to take a look at your relationships this week. Are you the one that is all talk and no action? Or are those closest to you like that? Or maybe it's a little of both?
If you are the one that is talking more than doing, I suggest you find ways in which you can do more. What action can you take to improve the situation?
Have a phenomenal week.
All of our take home coaching programs are still discounted 50% for the month of October.
For more information, contact: bob@oneamazinglife.com
Quote
"Well done is better than well said."
~Benjamin Franklin
My Thoughts
Do you have someone around you that is great at talking, but maybe not so great at doing? I am sure most of us do. And from time to time we all have been guilty of saying we would do something and then not following through. I am not talking about the occasional slip up. I am talking about those for whom much talk and little to no action has become a habit.
There are certain people that are great talkers, so great in fact that they may fool you numerous times. Sometimes you may really want to believe them. In the end the best way to tell someone's character is in what they do, not what they say.
This of course can apply to all areas of our lives, but I'd like to talk about relationships for a moment. I am not just referring to husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend, but friends and family as well.
In coaching the topic of relationships comes up quite often. People so often want to believe that their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend, etc.. is honest, trustworthy, caring, etc.. They want to believe in the person so much that they impair their intuition and reasoning ability. It's true all people are inherently good, but sometimes their actions can hurt you, and may actually be harmful to you.
Here is an example: A very close friend becomes seriously ill (not on their deathbed, but more than a common cold). You say that you will always be there for them, but that night you made plans to go out with some other friends to party. Your seriously ill friend messages you that they would like some support. Now they don't directly ask you to come over, so the question is, would you go visit your sick friend or still go out and party?
Just think about that scenario for a minute. Of course there are numerous other scenarios that end with a similar question; will you really be there when someone needs you, or do you just say that you'll be there?
How can you tell if someone does truly care about you, or value you? Look at their actions. Try and take yourself out of the situation by asking, "If another person (or the wisest person you know) looked at (husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/friend) actions, what would they say?". Do the actions match up with the words? If not, how many times has this occurred? If the answer is often or always then it is probably a safe bet that that person doesn't value you as much as they say they do.
The reason this is important to figure out is because it can put you on an emotional roller coaster. If you are the one that is always there for the other person and they don't return it (assuming they say they will), then it can be harmful to your growth. It may be time to reevaluate that relationship.
I encourage all of you to take a look at your relationships this week. Are you the one that is all talk and no action? Or are those closest to you like that? Or maybe it's a little of both?
If you are the one that is talking more than doing, I suggest you find ways in which you can do more. What action can you take to improve the situation?
Have a phenomenal week.
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