I Have Learned...

News
No new updates for this week.

Instead of sharing a quote and my thoughts, I found this and wanted to share it with you.

I Have Learned
by Omer B. Washington

I’ve learned-
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned-
that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned-
that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned-
that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned-
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned-
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned-
that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned-
that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned-
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned-
that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned-
that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned-
that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned-
that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned-
that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned-
that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.

I’ve learned-
that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned-
that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned-
that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.

I’ve learned-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned-
that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned-
that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Cliffhanger

News
No new updates for this week.

Instead of sharing a quote and my thoughts this week, I wanted to share this story I found with you:

Story

One day while walking through the wilderness a man stumbled upon a vicious tiger. He ran but soon came to the edge of a high cliff. Desperate to save himself, he climbed down a vine and dangled over the fatal precipice.

As he hung there, two mice appeared from a hole in the cliff and began gnawing on the vine.

Suddenly, he noticed on the vine a plump wild strawberry. He plucked it and popped it in his mouth. It was incredibly delicious!

I encourage you to spend some time pondering it's meaning.

Entertaining Thoughts

News
No new updates for this week.

Quote
”It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”
- Aristotle

My Thoughts
I believe this quote contains a lot of wisdom and yet it can be so hard to put into practice. The vast majority of us think what we are doing is correct so it can be very difficult to even consider other options. Not to mention we have all these belief systems, conditioning, emotions, etc... that are deep rooted, so often times are minds are made up without really thinking.

If you spend time examining other peoples' points of view, considering different opinions, then it can allow you to view the world through a more objective lens. Why does that matter? Well it can help you relate to the world better and if you can relate to the world better then gradually you can release judgments. Ultimately this can bring a better quality of life.

I'll share a short story with you which I hope better illustrates my point.

I've lived in Korea for a total of 12 years. During this time I've had to look at my beliefs numerous times. As many of you know I am from the US. Every country has it's own version of history and also what it believes to be the best way... aka the right way.
When I first came to Korea there were many things that confused me and I thought it would be better if they did something in a different way.

What I was doing is taking all of my preconceived notions about what was right or what was wrong, or a good way of doing something vs. a bad way, and placing it on a different culture. Of course that different culture also has their own beliefs.

I went through the typical psychological stages that almost all foreigners living in a country go through. First I was excited  by everything. Then I started to find things I didn't like. Next I started judging people and thinking my ways were better (ex: In the US we do it this way, it would be so much better if Korea did....). After some time I started questioning my own belief systems and eventually I ended up loving Korea. I think it also helps to study the countries history from multiple sources and try and learn the language.

Does that mean I think everything is perfect? No it doesn't. But everything isn't perfect were I am from either.

I've learned to accept that everyone (including countries as a whole) are doing what's best for them, or at least what they perceive to be best. We all have to go through our own growing pains.
To come to this realization I had to start by questioning my own belief systems.

I encourage you this week to try and entertain a different point of view.

Perception

News
No new updates for this week.

Instead of sharing a quote and my thoughts this week. I wanted to share this story with you. I encourage you to spend some time reflecting on it's meaning.

Story
A Fakir claimed that he could teach any illiterate person to read through an “instant technique.”
“OK,” Nasrudin said. “Teach me.”
The Fakir then touched Nasrudin’s head and said, “Now go read something.”
Nasrudin left, and returned to the village square an hour later with an angry look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the villagers. “Can you read now?”
“Indeed I can,” replied Nasrudin, “but that’s not why I came back? Now where is that scoundrel Fakir?”
“Mulla,” the people said, “he taught you to read in no more than a minute. So what makes you think he’s a scoundrel?”
“Well,” Nasrudin explained, “I was just reading a book that asserted, ‘All Fakirs are frauds.’“

Comparing Yourself to Others

News
No new updates for this week.

Quote
"By your own soul, learn to live
And if men thwart you take no heed.
If men hate you have no care.
Sing your song, dream your dream,
Hope your hope and pray your prayer."
-Pakenham Beatty

My Thoughts
A few weeks ago, I mentioned about asking yourself how bad is your situation when you are feeling down. This is a comparison to someone else who's situation is worse of than you. That method is a great way to start to look at your situation from another perspective.

This week I'd like to talk about two dangers associated with this.

The first is that you use the technique and then start to become vain. Example: How bad is my situation compared to the homeless person I see every day?
Not so bad.
I am better than that homeless person, why is he/she so lazy? etc...

Obviously that is an over simplified example, but it can happen. We need to be cautious of this.

The second one is possibly even more dangerous. This is when we compare the opposite way.
Example: My friends that are the same age as me are all way more successful than me.
I should be more successful.
Why am I not successful?
I feel miserable.

I've noticed a trend over the last two years or so with many coaching clients. Many seem to be doing the second method of comparing quite frequently and the internet seems to have increased this. The main culprit appears to be Facebook.

Facebook is a great way to reconnect with, or stay in contact with, relatives, friends, classmates, etc.. But we must remember that most of what we see on Facebook is the image that that person wants to show off to the world (in many cases).

I know many of you know this already, but it can be difficult to remember when we are feeling down. Generally we are not seeing the real person, it's just what they would like reflected to everyone else.

Then we end up unhappy because we assume that everyone else is happy. The truth is we have no idea what is really going on in their lives. Even the people we are close to, oftentimes we don't really know what's going on in their lives.

I encourage you this week to see how often you make these comparisons. Then start eliminating them. When you find yourself comparing, remind yourself that you don't really know what's going on.

Look at your own life. Ask yourself, "What can I control?", "What can I do", these two questions can lead to some powerful growth when you spend time reflecting on them.

Saved by a Fish

News
No new updates for this week.

Instead of sharing a quote and my thoughts this week, I'd like to share a story I read on Paulo Coelho's blog.
I encourage you to spend time reflecting on the meaning of this story.

Story
Nasrudin is walking past a cave when he sees a yogi, deep in meditation, and he asks the yogi what he is searching for. The yogi says:

‘I study the animals and have learned many lessons from them that can transform a man’s life.’

‘A fish once saved my life,’ Nasrudin replies. ‘If you teach me everything you know, I will tell you how it happened.’

The Yogi is astonished; only a holy man could be saved by a fish. And he decides to teach Nasrudin everything he knows.

When he has finished, he says to Nasrudin:

‘Now that I have taught you everything, I would be proud to know how a fish saved your life.’

‘Very simple,’ says Nasrudin, ‘I was almost dying of hunger when I caught it and, thanks to that fish, I had enough food for three days.’

Remaining Present

News
No new updates for this week.

Quote
"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence."
 –Eckhart Tolle

My Thoughts
I would like to share a piece of my life with you. I considered not sharing this, wondering if it may be too personal, but then I thought perhaps it may help someone dealing with similar struggles so I decided to share it.

Last week I received an email from my Dad. It was an update of things going on in my family's life. The first thing was about my younger brother. He was arrested and sent back to prison again, this time he will probably be there for a long time.

The second thing was about some financial things my Dad and stepmom are dealing with.

The third thing was what shocked me the most. It was regarding my younger stepsister, she is 22 years old. She has mental disabilities due to my older stepsister doing drugs while she was pregnant (my parents adopted my younger stepsister when she was four). Mentally my younger stepsister is around 10-11 years old.

I first met her when she was four and until that point she hadn't uttered a single word. I ended up spending a lot of time with her because my Dad worked long hours and my stepmom was dealing with her own issues.

I've been told that I've always been quite analytical (and sometimes stubborn) so I wondered if it was possible to help her speak somehow (many doctors said she would not be able to talk, at best single words). Through many, many hours of trying (and frustration) she finally started saying single words when she was five. Eventually I taught her other things, like how to tie her shoes and count. Actually, I don't mean to take credit for any of this, I suppose a better way to word it would be that I had some patience and she did all the hard work of learning.

She made rapid progress over the next three years and then I left for the army when she was eight. By that point doctors said that her mental ability was around 4-5 years old. I thought that if people continued to spend extra time with her she would mentally develop semi-normally. Unfortunately people couldn't really spend that extra time with her, I am not blaming anyone we all have our own lives to live and burdens to bear.

So, in the email, it said that my younger stepsister Samantha, had some kind of psychotic break. She was evaluated by psychiatrists and was placed in a mental institution for the rest of her life. It pained me when I read this. Over the last 14 years I haven't really talked with her too much. Besides the occasional visits back home, which probably equal 3-4 months total over the last 14 years, and a phone call once a month, we haven't really talked. I wondered what could I have done better. Pondering that allowed me to realize that I don't think I could have helped too much regarding her mental state even if I had called once a week and only talked with her for an hour, although I certainly could have called more.

This leads me to this week's message:
1. It helps to put things into perspective. Part of the reason I decided to write this is for those of you that are having family problems, perhaps you can look at my situation and think "Is mine really that bad?". If you perceive your situation to be worse, then I encourage you to look at other situations (of course not denying your present situation). For example: At least Samantha is still alive and I am able to talk with her and go visit her.

2. Remaining present. I could worry about the future, or be sad/regretful over the past but where does that really get me? Being present can allow you to make better decisions because you are making them with a clear head.

3. Pondering. Asking something like "What are some things I could have done better (had I known what I now know)?", or "What is another way I could look at the situation?", allows for exploration and possible growth. Pondering things like "should", "why", and "what if (when referencing the past)" can lead to anger, sadness, guilt, regret, etc... and can inhibit growth.
Ex: Why did this happen? I should have known better. They shouldn't have done that. What if I stayed there? What if I had called more? etc...

I encourage everyone to try and look at your difficult situations from a different perspective and be more present this week. For example: Try not checking your phone for some time and just be, just observe what is going on around you without judging any of it.