Remaining Present

News
No new updates for this week.

Quote
"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence."
 –Eckhart Tolle

My Thoughts
I would like to share a piece of my life with you. I considered not sharing this, wondering if it may be too personal, but then I thought perhaps it may help someone dealing with similar struggles so I decided to share it.

Last week I received an email from my Dad. It was an update of things going on in my family's life. The first thing was about my younger brother. He was arrested and sent back to prison again, this time he will probably be there for a long time.

The second thing was about some financial things my Dad and stepmom are dealing with.

The third thing was what shocked me the most. It was regarding my younger stepsister, she is 22 years old. She has mental disabilities due to my older stepsister doing drugs while she was pregnant (my parents adopted my younger stepsister when she was four). Mentally my younger stepsister is around 10-11 years old.

I first met her when she was four and until that point she hadn't uttered a single word. I ended up spending a lot of time with her because my Dad worked long hours and my stepmom was dealing with her own issues.

I've been told that I've always been quite analytical (and sometimes stubborn) so I wondered if it was possible to help her speak somehow (many doctors said she would not be able to talk, at best single words). Through many, many hours of trying (and frustration) she finally started saying single words when she was five. Eventually I taught her other things, like how to tie her shoes and count. Actually, I don't mean to take credit for any of this, I suppose a better way to word it would be that I had some patience and she did all the hard work of learning.

She made rapid progress over the next three years and then I left for the army when she was eight. By that point doctors said that her mental ability was around 4-5 years old. I thought that if people continued to spend extra time with her she would mentally develop semi-normally. Unfortunately people couldn't really spend that extra time with her, I am not blaming anyone we all have our own lives to live and burdens to bear.

So, in the email, it said that my younger stepsister Samantha, had some kind of psychotic break. She was evaluated by psychiatrists and was placed in a mental institution for the rest of her life. It pained me when I read this. Over the last 14 years I haven't really talked with her too much. Besides the occasional visits back home, which probably equal 3-4 months total over the last 14 years, and a phone call once a month, we haven't really talked. I wondered what could I have done better. Pondering that allowed me to realize that I don't think I could have helped too much regarding her mental state even if I had called once a week and only talked with her for an hour, although I certainly could have called more.

This leads me to this week's message:
1. It helps to put things into perspective. Part of the reason I decided to write this is for those of you that are having family problems, perhaps you can look at my situation and think "Is mine really that bad?". If you perceive your situation to be worse, then I encourage you to look at other situations (of course not denying your present situation). For example: At least Samantha is still alive and I am able to talk with her and go visit her.

2. Remaining present. I could worry about the future, or be sad/regretful over the past but where does that really get me? Being present can allow you to make better decisions because you are making them with a clear head.

3. Pondering. Asking something like "What are some things I could have done better (had I known what I now know)?", or "What is another way I could look at the situation?", allows for exploration and possible growth. Pondering things like "should", "why", and "what if (when referencing the past)" can lead to anger, sadness, guilt, regret, etc... and can inhibit growth.
Ex: Why did this happen? I should have known better. They shouldn't have done that. What if I stayed there? What if I had called more? etc...

I encourage everyone to try and look at your difficult situations from a different perspective and be more present this week. For example: Try not checking your phone for some time and just be, just observe what is going on around you without judging any of it.